The First Tenet of Attachment Theory: The Innate Need for Connection
Todays I would like to discuss the 1st Tenet of Attachment Theory and its role in couples therapy. Attachment is an innate motivating force. Seeking and maintaining contact with significant others is an innate, primary motivating principle in human beings across the life span.
Before attachment theory came to prevail in our understanding of how we as human’s work, the prevailing trend of thought in the psychological community was that for us to have a healthy relationship, we need to first be independent, whole and healthy in ourselves as individuals. This view pathologized the need for significant others in a dependent relationship. And hence they borrowed the term “co-dependency” from the 12-step community and began to depict a depending relationship as being unhealthy. Let’s be clear here. “Co-dependency” refers to a person who is in relationship with an addict who is enabling their addictive behaviors. A good healthy connection that brings emotional co-regulation would do the opposite. It would mitigate the need to engage in the addiction. So, what the 12-step community is really referring to is a relationship where an unhealthy dynamic is present. Like calling is sick for one’s spouse when they are hungover.
The idea that dependency on another significant person is problematic couldn’t be further from the truth, at least if we believe attachment theory, which at the core assumes that we as humans need others especially key others, like parents, romantic partners and besties. This is in fact that which makes us human – the emotional need for others. This need for emotional closeness can be easily seen in children, when they are sad or hurt and need to be held and soothed. I saw a beautiful example recently in my 2-year-old grandson who woke up in a rough place from a nap and his dad held him in his arms for ten minutes just rubbing his back, being close comforting him, then his mom did the same for another ten minutes. Then, when he was ready, he naturally crawled out of her lap and began playing with his toys – the sadness that he woke up with was comforted and soothed and he was emotionally regulated and operating independently. This is a beautiful example of emotional coregulation. This shows us a great example of the 2nd tenant of attachment theory, but that is a topic for my next blog!
This need for regulating emotions is something we never outgrow as John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, so eloquently stated – “we need it from the cradle to the grave.” It is at the core of my therapeutic work as a couples counselor. Couples need and deserve a healthy, emotionally dependent relationship where either partner can reach with a vulnerable emotional need – a sadness, a fear, a sense of shame - and their partner will consistently show up for them in an emotionally engaged way with an empathetic a heart and essentially hold their heart. This comforts the adult soul of even the toughest man on earth and provides a powerful alternative to the many addictive vices that surround us. Emotional co-regulation with a loving empathetic other is the most efficient form of emotional regulation on earth. In couples, it creates a backbone of steel in their relationship which bonds them tightly together and enables them to be more resilient and able to take on the tough challenges that life throws at them.
Understanding the first tenet of attachment theory—that attachment is an innate motivating force—reminds us that seeking connection and emotional support is not a sign of weakness but a fundamental part of being human. Emotional co-regulation with a loving and empathetic other is a powerful antidote to the struggles of life, providing strength, comfort, and resilience. Whether in the arms of a parent, a partner, or a close friend, this connection fulfills a deep, primal need that remains with us from ‘the cradle to the grave.’ As we embrace this truth, we can build healthier relationships rooted in trust, vulnerability, and emotional safety, empowering us to navigate life’s challenges together. This is the cornerstone of my work with couples and a vital lesson for all of us as we seek deeper, more meaningful connections.
