Secure Independence: How Attachment Theory Redefines Autonomy and Connection
Tenet 2 of Attachment Theory
Secure dependence complements autonomy: According to attachment theory there is no such thing as complete independence from other or overdependency. There is only effective and ineffective dependency.
When there is a secure dependency, it fosters autonomy and self-confidence. So, what is “secure dependency?” It is when we can turn to a trusted other and be emotionally open and vulnerable with them and we know they will respond to us at an emotional level with empathy and validation of what we are experiencing. This then leads to our nervous system to being comforted and soothed – what we therapists call “emotional coregulation.” This is the most efficient form of emotional regulation on the planet.
So, ironically, counter to some cultural thinking, greater secure dependence fosters a greater sense of self and hence more risk taking, more independent, more resilience, a more adventurous nature.
The more securely connected we are, the more separate and different we can be. Health in the context of attachment theory means maintaining a felt sense of interdependence, rather than being self-sufficient and separate from others.
So, what we see here is a beautiful interplay between what we internalize as humans and the key emotionally healthy relationships that we have with the key loving figures in our lives. When we have this emotional co-regulation as children, we gradually inculcate a felt sense of security into our nervous system and a greater sense of self-worth into our souls. We then, as more secure beings from our healthy interdependence, are able to be there for the children we raise and the partners we choose to love, and thereby instill a greater sense of self-worth and security in them which then leads them to be able to be more separate and more independent. Healthy dependence and greater independence are two sides of the same coin. They are not dichotomies.
Sue Johnson, the lead researcher who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy, tells of an experience she had as a young woman on a ship traveling from England to Canada to go to college where fear and doubt gripped her on the bridge of the ship. She wondered what the hell she was doing and felt like she could have a nervous breakdown, but then she remembered her father’s voice “Don’t worry Sue. You are strong. You can handle this. And if you can’t, don’t worry, I will bring you home.” And the fear and doubt subsided, and she continued on to North America and changed the face of Psychotherapy by establishing Attachment Theory as the foundation of Emotionally Focused Therapy.
At Marler Counseling, we specialize in helping couples understand and apply these principles to foster healthier, more secure relationships.
