Secure Independence: How Attachment Theory Redefines Autonomy and Connection
According to Attachment Theory, there is no such thing as complete independence from others or overdependency; there is only effective and ineffective dependency. When there is a secure dependency, it fosters autonomy and self-confidence. So, what is “secure dependency?” It is when we can turn to a trusted other, be emotionally open and vulnerable with them, and know they will respond to us at an emotional level with empathy and validation of what we are experiencing. This leads to our nervous system being comforted and soothed—a process therapists call “emotional co-regulation.” This is the most efficient form of emotional regulation on the planet.
Ironically, counter to some cultural thinking, greater secure dependence fosters a greater sense of self and hence more risk-taking, independence, resilience, and an adventurous nature. The more securely connected we are, the more separate and different we can be. Health, in the context of attachment theory, means maintaining a felt sense of interdependence, rather than being self-sufficient and separate from others.
This beautiful interplay between what we internalize as humans and the key emotionally healthy relationships we have with the loving figures in our lives is profound. When we experience emotional co-regulation as children, we gradually inculcate a felt sense of security into our nervous system and a greater sense of self-worth into our souls. As more secure beings from our healthy interdependence, we are then able to be there for the children we raise and the partners we choose to love, thereby instilling a greater sense of self-worth and security in them, which then leads them to be more separate and independent. Healthy dependence and greater independence are two sides of the same coin; they are not dichotomies.
Sue Johnson, the lead researcher who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), shares an experience she had as a young woman on a ship traveling from England to Canada to attend college. Fear and doubt gripped her on the bridge of the ship; she wondered what she was doing and felt like she could have a nervous breakdown. But then she remembered her father’s voice: “Don’t worry, Sue. You are strong. You can handle this. And if you can’t, don’t worry, I will bring you home.” The fear and doubt subsided, and she continued on to North America, eventually changing the face of psychotherapy by establishing attachment theory as the foundation of Emotionally Focused Therapy.
At Marler Counseling, we specialize in helping couples understand and apply these principles to foster healthier, more secure relationships.
