When Attachment Needs Arise: Understanding Our Response to Fear
Tenet 5 of Attachment Theory
Fear and uncertainty activate attachment needs.
In my previous blogs, I have described the regulating effect of a secure attachment bond. When do we find ourselves needing the comforting and emotional regulation of our main attachment figure? It may come when we are threatened.
It could be a traumatic event. It could be from the everyday challenges and difficulties of life such as stress or illness. Or it could be when there is an assault on the security of the attachment bond itself. When these situations arise, powerful emotions are experienced within that make the need for emotional coregulation with our attachment figure especially important.
At these times our attachment system is activated, and we will seek closeness by reaching in some way for connection. This connection where we can vulnerably express our emotions and receive comfort is a primary inbuilt emotional regulating system.
This helps us understand how an event like flirtation at a party or a short time of distance at a time of need can activate our attachment need and cause a spiral downward into distress if we can’t achieve the connection and emotional regulation that we need.
For couples caught in a distressed cycle where the relationship does not feel particularly safe, these attachment needs are still experienced, and the need for one’s partner still felt. But if the bond is not particularly safe and secure, the reach to one’s partner will often be somewhat veiled. This is because if the relationship is not safe, we do not feel safe being emotionally expressive with the tender needs of our heart. In an unsafe relationship, it will be too big a risk to reach vulnerably putting our raw hurting heart on the table because the fear is that it will not be cared for. Then the pain will be even worse because our raw pain is exposed. So, to protect ourselves, we can tend to reach out in very obtuse ways – perhaps by pointing out a behavior that is at the source of our distress – perhaps by criticizing our partner – perhaps by asking advice from our partner on an issue.
A veiled or obtuse reach can then trigger a reactive response from our partner that blocks us from being able to use the attachment function of the relationship. This is what sends a relationship into a downward spiral as each partner responds in a reactive way to their partner’s move that is not making their attachment need clear. We call this a cycle, and it becomes quite destructive because typically the reactivity is not safe and can easily create a feedback loop that causes it to build and grow into a very harsh and destructive argument. This lack of safety blocks us from a clear vulnerable reach with our raw emotions.
The more this cycle prevails in a relationship, the more off-limits emotional coregulation becomes and the more off-limits emotional coregulation becomes, the more one is left with the unregulated painful emotions. This then drives the cycle even more strongly. A couple then easily becomes caught in this cycle and in need of therapeutic intervention to help them break this cycle and restore safe reaching and responding that soothe and comfort the heart.
Recognizing that fear and uncertainty can trigger our deepest attachment needs is the first step toward breaking destructive cycles. If you’ve noticed these patterns in your relationship—where reaching out for comfort becomes fraught with risk—know that healing is within reach. At Marler Counseling, we specialize in guiding couples through the journey of rebuilding trust, fostering safe emotional expression, and restoring the secure bonds that help us thrive together. Take the brave step to transform uncertainty into understanding—contact us today to schedule a consultation and start nurturing the connection you both deserve.
