The Power of a Secure Base: How Attachment Fuels Growth and Connection
Tenet 4 of Attachment Theory.
Attachment offers a secure base from which we can live life more effectively. Having a secure attachment figure whom we can turn to not only has an effect on our nervous system as described in my previous blog “Attachment Offers an Essential Safe Haven.” It also provides an inner foundation from which we as individuals can engage with our world. It provides a secure base from which we can explore, evaluate and adapt to the environment around us.
This secure base gives us a greater sense of confidence from which we can adventure out into the world and explore it. It gives us more internal cognitive flexibility to take in and ponder new information and adapt to it. This confidence enables us to risk, learn and apply ourselves to new situations and adjust in a flexible manner as necessary.
This secure base also gives us the ability to be more self-reflective by holding views of ourselves with less rigidity. We can more easily stand back and objectively reflect on and evaluate our behavior and flexibly make adjustments as the situation necessitates. We can also more easily reflect on our internal mental states and objectively evaluate them and make changes as necessary.
When we have this inner sense of felt security, we are then more able to reach out to support others and be a resource to this world. Conflict and stress can also be dealt with in a healthier more redeeming fashion. We are less thrown off balance by the heightened emotions in others and are able to respond from a more grounded place. As a result relationships tend to be more stable, happier, more restful and more satisfying.
The need for this secure emotional connection with our partner which establishes this secure base is critical for a healthy couple’s relationship. Establishing this is the end goal of couple’s therapy. Naturally this secure emotional connection between two tender hearts requires emotional safety be present. To this end the first task of couples therapy is to calm any reactive cycles that are present which destroy emotional safety.
Reducing or eliminating destructive cycles is not the end goal of couple’s therapy. It is a significant milestone on the way to laying a groundwork of emotional safety so that we can then enable a couple to easily and confidently engage in a vulnerable secure emotional connection with their partner. This then gives each person the secure base from which they can live life in an adventurous, risk taking and flexible manner. Then they are more able to love and support others in this world.
If you’re longing for a deeper connection in your relationship—a place where you and your partner feel emotionally safe, supported, and truly seen—know that you don’t have to find your way there alone. Helping couples create this kind of secure base is at the heart of my work. Whether you're navigating conflict, disconnection, or simply wanting to grow closer, I’m here to walk that journey with you. Reach out today to begin the process of building a relationship that brings strength, confidence, and lasting connection to both of your lives.
— Bruce Marler, Couples Counselor
